You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
