I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The Olympian is in my bed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
