I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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