There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
