my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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