i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
