I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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