I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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