I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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