even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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