Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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