i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
