Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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