The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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