she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
