That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
