you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
