We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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