For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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