Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
