Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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