The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
