She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
