he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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