I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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