He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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