I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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