the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize