I'm lost and stupid without you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
