this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
