Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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