Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
