I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
