How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
