Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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