i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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