I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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