i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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