Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
