Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
