I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
