I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
