we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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