Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize