In the future we'll all be gay
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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