Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
