i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
