please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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