I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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