The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
