Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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