well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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