I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
