One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
