It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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