my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
