I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
